Relationships & Family Issues
Relationships
The most efficacious way to make a lasting impact in a relationship is for both partners to separately but simultaneously, participate in individual therapy. The best way to do this is with two separate therapists. A third therapist can then be integrated into doing the couples work. Using one therapist to do both the individual and couples work has inherent issues that can prove to be an impediment in the treatment of the couple. Therefore, I highly advocate the three therapist paradigm.
The structural separation of using different therapists allow each individual to enjoy a sense of complete safety and freedom to explore their dynamics without concern.
Using a neutral party to perform the couples component of treatment allows for a sense of equality and safety for each partner. Having both parties identify, explore, connect, and understand their own thoughts and behaviors allows them to participate in the couples therpapy with clarity and a lack of emotional reactivity. This cultivates an environment that allows both individuals to genuinely hear, see, and feel the other. This also creates an opportunity to learn new skill sets and communication skills in their journey of healing.
There are many other competent clinicians who work with a different model. However, based on a quarter century of my own clinical experience, I find this to be the most powerful and permanent way to affect change in a relationship.
Family Issues
There are also dynamics that are either consciously or unconsciously, an expression of legacy of issues, experiences from both family origins and childhood. Some are injuries that where never fully healed, some are from family dynamics, culture, socioeconomic issues, different ways of viewing the world, communication styles, temperaments, underlying paradigms etc.
Fully identifying the multi layers of specific issues both present and past, are the best way to understanding the maladaptive patterns, frustrations, hurt feelings, not accurately hearing each other, and lack of trust.
It is a painful tragedy that people who both love each other and mean each other well, are often not successful in having each other actually experience this.
The good news, is that when just one of the people in either a couples relationship, or a family relationship makes a real change, it automatically makes a change in the entire system.
My two decades of experience have demonstrated to me the usefulness of integrating individual therapy, simultaneously with couples or family therapy. I often find some some individual therapy is often an effective prerequisite to effective couples therapy.
I have also come to strongly believe in the efficacy of having one therapist for just the couples therapy, while using separate therapists for each partner to have their own separate individual therapist. This creates an environment where the individual is fully safe to explore their own issues with both full disclosure and freedom. It also prevents any naturally occurring dynamic of a client worrying that the couples therapist is or is not, on one side of the couple. Therefore, I traditionally work with one of the individuals in the relationship, and refer to one of my colleagues who specialize in couples therapy, to provide services to both members of the couple in the room at the same time.